You know, the post inventory catch-up!

Can you, not in a perverted way, like seriously pull my finger?

Monter (how she thinks a computer moniter should be spelled)

Dude, don't you guys jump on me like a tailfeather.

Pandora knows me like a paper plate.

If I ever come in with baggy pants don't squeeze my leg. (Implying that she might have a catheter.)

What happens if you call and no one answers and you accidently called Russia?

I was really tossed up...in the air...like an acrobat...gnome.

I wasn't made from God. I was made from sperm and egg. And sperm goes junk and egg goes funk. (this was all after someone said "god don't make no junk")

He can't keep his cycles right. We have to get him on the pill.

What is that pill that I take that they don't manufacture anymore?

I have epilepsy when it comes to movies. I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

They are under the catergory of insane.

Someone hacked my computer. Someone's trying to steal my World of Warcraft account. (this was what she thought was happening when we were using a remote keyboard to mess with her on April Fool's)

She's talking to Lance Armstrong. Some people call him Neil. (Jack was yelling and Heather thought she was talking to outer space)

They should call us diddly and doowop.

Bungalow Soldier

I've never been an Einstein in pronunciation.

Just spittin the truf. You can't handle it, go to the crazy farm.

I'm like a freakin truf turntable over here.

i have definitely been slacking...

Thank goodness my grandma's not alive. She'd go nuts without Guiding Light.

Allison to Heather: Hey Biscuit!
Heather to Allison: Hey Chubby!

If I ever get a dog I'm going to name it Dog. I think it's the most economical choice. - By the way she did get a dog, but she named it Yuki.

Heather makes quotation marks in the air with 1 hand upside down.

Allison - Heather, how did you see it? It was behind your head.
Heather - I have maniac eyes.

I bet that's why I didn't hear him say pork-barrelling. Hmmm, well Heather that's because he said the proof is in the pudding.

I really think I was meant to be a parrot. I'm really good at repeating stuff.

Fidgety for life. I just put wool sheets on my bed.

Pointing to myself "Allison Lucile..."
Heather pointing to herself "Allison... Heather..."

How am I racist? I did not give a gender.

I'm not breaking the world in speed over here.

And yes. I was just sucking on a teabag.

Can you teach me how to speak in London?

Black guy or white guy? High school...totally white.

She ain't no prodigal frog.

I will F you under this table. I meant up.

Lucy and Goosey = Ovaries
Tina and Turner = Fallopian Tubes
Ike = Uterus

This is what Heather said about trying to get rid of hiccups - "I almost hung myself in the pool."

Allison to Heather: You need to start having babies if your sister and brother won't.
Heather: I know. My family is decrepid.

Kevin: I used to love the vanilla ones.
Heather: But I don't like bananas.

I hate christmas!

To Heather a wine festival can also be called a sidewalk sale.

"Can you please bring us back a sleuth?" - In asking me to actually bring her a sloth back from costa rica.

"Ahhh this one's browneyed girl not brown-eyed girl." - comparing van morrison to the isley brothers.

Trumpled - not quite trampled, but more than stomped. To Heather stomping is intentional and trampling is accidental.

"I don't know where city hall is. Do I look like an American?"

I really want a wok right now...

"I'm a disgusting human being with issues."

"My doctor thinks I'm gross. He won't touch me."

(sensing a theme?)

retro heather....

So I'm pretty sure I laugh non-stop at work on most days and it can almost entirely be a result of some of the crazy things that come out of Heather's mouth. I don't know where she gets some of the statements she makes or questions she asks, but man I'm glad she come up with them.

"Why can't I do reverse math?"

Baby carrots (she means baby corn)

"How do we have the same DNA in a girl and boy body?"

On not understanding why some roadways have 2 names (example: 76 is the Schuylkill Expressway or 676 is the Vine Street Expressway)..."That's like saying my name's Heather, but tomorrow call me Eve."

"Isn't there a dish that uses it though called bok chuey?" - on calling bok choy bok chuey

Ramsack (she means ransack)

"She wrote WWI, but I think she meant 9/11 and just typed it wrong." - on her sister bringing up WWI during a current political argument/discussion.